A different post

I wanted a necklace like this for Christmas but the key question for me was whether to put Connor's name on it or not.  No doubt I have four kids but the reality is that i am raising three here on earth.  I have a ring with just Connor's name engraved on the back.  I have a necklace with his thumb print on it.  I have a bracelet with Callie, Connor, and Chase on it - will get Cole just haven't yet :-)  If I get a mother's ring it will have all four on it.  But for the names listed on this necklace somehow it wasn't an easy black and white thing for me.  My reality is I don't want to have to explain it all the time to random people when they casually look at it or make a comment.  I don't want to be slapped in the face with it and have to decide how much to explain.  And I knew it would bother Shannon to see his name on it and be confronted with it that much more.  But to leave him out seemed wrong to.  And in the end I felt I would be judged either way.  Not that that matter too much to me it was just I couldn't and still can't decide what would feel right for me or be the best for me.  This is what the end result was - the three on the outside and Connor on the back.  But obviously I am still not sure.  I haven't worn it yet.  I love it and don't want to seem unappreciative - it was my decision.  I just don't seem to be able to make it and stick with it.  I plan to wear it tomorrow.  We'll see how that feels.  I am thinking I need to get in to have Cole put on the bracelet and then if I wear them together I will feel better.  I wear his ring all the time and don't feel weird I dont' have a ring for the other kids... but no one knows...so is it about feeling judged.  Or being sad to "move on".  Or feeling like I am not being fair to him - he doesn't care!!!!  So many thoughts.  I could go on and on.  ANd this may make no sense as I have gone over and over it in my head but am quickly writing it here with not everything.  Not even sure why.